My nerves are getting so frayed that It's starting to affect my sleep. Just the other night I couldn't get to sleep due to unrealistic visions of my older bro committing suicide/killing my family/Me beating the shit out of my older bro. The first two are completely unrealistic, considering he's too lazy and spineless to do anything of the sort, but the last one...my god I've never been this close to actually wanting to beat the ever loving shit out of him. His laziness and bullshit just grow and grow and I take it and I take it and I'm getting tired of it. So tired, so tired, SO TIRED of it! I want him out of this house. OUT of this god damn house.
It's not just the older brother that's grinding my nerves, it's the younger brother. He's a lot like the older brother, which is ironic considering that he RECOGNIZES how much of a lazy bastard the older bro is. He's worse than the older brother because he KNOWS how lazy the Older brother is and He's acting lazy too, despite that he see's the problems it causes. Not only that, but he treats me like I'm inferior to him. Maybe it's because I'm not as VAIN as him, because I don't dress as nicely as him, because I could care less about my appearance and he cares more for his than his own brother, it seems. This morning he wouldn't help me get the garbage together to go out cause he was "Getting ready for school". Bullshit. He was tying a tie. When I get back from taking the garbage up? he's in a completely different get up! Just because he dresses better than me, has more friends than me, does not give him carte' blanche' to treat me like shit. It's because he doesn't take his medicine. He flat out REFUSES to take the dexedrine prescribed to him, so he acts irrational and impulsive. I'm sick of it, I'm tired of it, TIRED TIRED TIRED SO GOD DAMN TIRED. I'm giving him the riot act when he gets home, god damn it, and if he walks away from me I'm going to bury my fist into his gut. When i was his age at 16, I would get my homework done and still have time to do the housework I do NOW at 20. It's because he's taking on too much shit out of the house and comes home and treats me like It's my JOB to do all this house work.
I'm sick and tired of being treated like shit by my brothers, god damn it. I do more work in a day than they do in a week, and for years I've been living with it on my back, and I'm god damn tired of it. I swear to god, if he mouths off to me today, it's going to snap me. I'll snap like a twig and haul off on'em. I've restrained myself for years because I'm afraid if I take a swing, I won't stop swinging, but by god I'm at the point I don't think I care if I stop.
God DAMN It.