tl;dr - fuck the Tomb Raider cartoon on Netflix.
Watched some of Tomb Raider: The Legend of Lara Croft and I'm annoyed. Tired of daddy-issues Lara and miss thrill-seeker Lara. I know daddy-issues Lara has been a thing for a long time now but I'm so sick of it. The show immediately starts out in Chile where dudes are running after her and she lets them follow her to her destination. She jumps over a large chasm, too large to jump. Then just smirks at them. They fucking followed you, you stupid bint. The fuck you smiling for?
Then she crosses a ravine by tying her own rope to... to... I don't know know what the fuck she tied it to. She shimmies to the other side and gets to the other end of the rope and it's sticking inside of a rock. How the fuck you'd manage to poke it inside of a rock? And how'd you do that from the other side?
Then... then she kills an alligator. Chile has no alligators, crocs, or caimans. What the fuck?
So she's with some older man explorer who was in one of the other games or something. Can we stop with this? This is just more daddy-issues at this point. There was nothing wrong with giving her dudes that help her out. But she's supposed to be the explorer. The attraction is supposed to be a hot-lady Indiana Jones. No one wants to see crusty old men!
So she and old dude get inside some temple, where she clearly sees warnings and traps. And the old dude is all "nah." Why didn't they change this to her being the impulsive one grabbing the box while he's warning her of the carvings and traps? This is so dumb. He's the more experienced one and he just all, "meh, fuck that. gib box."
Now they have their treasure box. What do they do next?
a) Run and get the fuck out of dodge.
b) Take it slow and steady by stealthing around until they can quietly leave.
c) Hi-ho down some stairs without a care in the world while Lara talks about how she's still in school and her friends recommended kayaking and wine-tasting while in Chile.
You know which one. And she ends up with a gun to the face. From the same people who chased her. Didn't see that coming.
So she proceeds to be the one translating what these dudes are saying. Why doesn't this old fuck know Spanish? And one of the dudes with a gun, walked straight up to the old guy and, like, smacks him with the gun or something. They have guns and never shoot at Lara and the old man. THEN DON'T GIVE THEM GUNS, YA DUMB SHOW. Good lord. This is stupid.
Long story short, old guy shoots and kills one of them. Yay. Finally, we're getting somewhere. Title screen for the show appears. Okay, what happens next?
It's, uh, a time skip of some sort? And the old guy's dead? And some rando friends of Lara's are calling her and they have an exposition-dump of a conversation. She appears to be still be in Chile so it can't have been that long. Um, why is she still staying there? It's implied it's been long enough to move on.
A village lady's burning her dead husband's old shit. Lara asks a local what's happening and the woman explains it's a "Pachamama" ceremony. The dead husband's shit gets burned to start anew. Uh... IS it, though? "She must discover who she is now... without him." But is that what Pachamama is? I searched this because I can't trust this show with their magic teleporting alligator and it just says that Pachamama's the name of a goddess and rituals are about giving offerings to that goddess. I don't see shit about burning your dead man's clothes to "start anew." HUH? Who the hell made this show? Ubisoft?
I'm just fucking lost at this point. I looked up some stuff and turns out this shit slots somewhere into the game continuity or something? Like the game or whatever when the old dude dies so that's why he's already dead now. That's also who all the rando friends are. Apparently they're in other games or something.
Great, so not only are you bad in general, but you're also a terrible piece of media incapable of standing alone. Why are you a show being pushed onto me by Netflix when I have to do homework to figure out what's the fuck's going on? Fuck you, you shit-pile.