The advent of Christmas has brought my mind to an overall speculation of the happenings of this year and what I've learned, what I've lost, what I've gained, plagues my thoughts.
I've lost a lot of my naivete, my innocence. I've learned the true nature of the concept of "family", I've gained a deeper appreciation of "love" in the familial and brotherly sense, nay even in the romantic ideal. All of these revelations, these epiphanies, stem from the abhorrent countenance andactions of supposed "Blood relatives".
I believe in forgiveness, yet I have little faith in Redemption. I believe Redemption to be a concept propagated by people who seek forgiveness through action rather than understanding what was committed was wrong, yet even if I did hold value in this ideal, the relative in question can not, will never, be redeemable in anyone's eyes.
The corruption of a damaged, helpless mind is contemptable, yet when the mind is of your own blood, nay, your own father, is turned against a brother over pettiness, arrogance, this must give the most saintly spirit pause to the soul of such a creature that would commit such a sin against family. To continue the manipulations and machinations, to have purposefully created rifts between sister and mother, father and son, to know the extent of the web of deceit stretches back decades, to just see the poison that ebbs from a single person's soul, how can you not look upon this evil and not be changed forever? How can you not lose a little piece of yourself when you see the agony one poisoned wraith wrecks upon your loved ones?
The machinations have led to true examination of the bloodline by me, and the secrets thus revealed. What greed can do to someone, what addiction, what thoughtlessness can twist a loving soul into doing...my eyes have always been open, but now they see the truth a little bit more.
To change the legalized dying wishes of a beloved, if not blood related, family member, to see the willful indulgence of poison into one's body, to revile in absolute sloth with the sufferance of others around you, laid ontop of the manipulations, lies, and mental anguish, could make a person lose faith in love and family entirely.
I've lost my ideology: "family" does not come first, "blood" is not thicker than water. I lost the part of me that clung to the belief that, though family may be flawed, they are your family and should be loved as such. I weep for this lost innocence, for never again will I be that pure in thought, belief, and nature; Never again.
Yet, in this loss, I gain a new religion, a new ideology based on the ashes of the old; Family is what you make it. There is a new, deeper love I feel, I understand, for the people around me who feel genuine love for me, whether it be familial or brotherly. These souls are my family, Who I've chosen to share my life and love with, whether they be blood or friends, they are important to me. I value love and friendship in a deeper, more soulful, way that I never could have without the betrayal and pain caused by sick, twisted souls. Such souls will never understand such blessings of "Love", "Friendship", and "Family".
I am pained, but I am blessed, and though I'm unsure as to which I'd rather be, I must accept both and move forward, for dwelling in the past is the first step in the path to the corruption, the twisting of the sould, that caused all that's happened.
Sincerely,
Lance Park
