Author Topic: When the love of your life is so different (Read 10035 times)

Fiero · « **on:** Jan 18, 2005, 03:08:52 PM »

For some reason, I've finnally told my girlfriend how I feel about some things. I'm quoting the e-mail I sent her. Wow, look at me, I complain about life now. Well, apart from my bandmates and three other people, your my fucking friends.

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I'm in the mood to say some things I should've said before. I haven't because I'm scared, and when I think about the repurcussions that might come from these words, it hurts like hell. It's not because I don't love you, it's not because I don't think you love me. It's because I'm a scared little boy who's realizing there's a huge world out there that isn't going to wait for me to decide what I am. I have to be who I am now. Sure, things might change down the road, but right now, the world needs to know who I am.

First of all, when you said there were 'two Joes,' YOU WERE RIGHT. When I'm with my friends, I am like a completely different person. The way I act around my friends is partially the real me, and I don't act that way around you because I'm afraid you'll choose to live without me, even if it means living in pain. The way I act around my friends, in comparisson, is very similar: I only act as half of myself when I'm with the band, for the same reasons. I'm afraid they won't like everything I am. I'm afraid they won't like someone who's completely confused about everything he's ever believed and everything he ever could believe.

About some things I've done, that I've not told you, because I'm scared:

I don't like smoking, it has happened occasionally, and I hated myself for it afterwards, but I didn't want to tell because it would show that I'm weak. Smoking is against what I believe, preserving this world and its inhabitants for future generations is not something smoking lends itself to.

Until last weekend, I've thought drinking was something worthwhile. Saturday night was the day after Matts birthday. Everyone there got drunk- except for Carlos, whom I assume had already found the truth which I discovered -but it was NOT A GOOD THING. I've had drinks here and there before, and I got drunk after Carlos turned 21 as well, but what happenned Saturday was beyond my beleif, yet I think I'm starting to comprehend. Matt destroyed his relationship with Monica because he could not control himself. He attacked pretty much all of us, thinking we were trying to hurt him. He attacked the woman HE PLANNED TO MARRY. They had love for eachother. He once told me, his most beautiful thought was walking down the street holding her hand while the world fell around them, and that he wouldn't care if eternity meant heaven, hell, or nothing at all, as long as he could spend it with her. Carlos eventually calmed him down, obviously because they've known eachother the longest, he knew how to get to him. He apologized to all of us, but it's unlikely any of us will get along with him the way we used to. I hope me and him can find common ground again, because he is my dear friend, regardless off the bullshit that's come from him in the past. I likely won't see him much again, as Guillermo isn't sure he wants him around, especially not when there's alcohol around. As for myself, I don't see myself drinking again, if at least not for a long time. I don't want to discover that I could turn into the same monster he did.

About what I believe:

I do not believe harming animals is neccessary for any sort of lifestyle. I can and I will live a healthy diet without harming animals. I know I ate meat at your house, but it's because I was weak, and I didn't want to cause your family a fuss. However, if you were in a satanist's house, you would worship the devil just because he's the only- I use this term litely - 'god' in that house. I will be a vegan someday, and I'm afraid that you can't live with that.

I don't know that I'm a Christian. I'm afraid to know that I am because I feel like it's been forced on me, and when I act as a Christian, I FEEL FAKE. As honest as my worship seemed to be on the outside, I was always in constant turmoil on the inside: Asking myself if this was what I really believed in, and usually deciding that I could think about (I imagine you can figure out I never really did). You said I should worry about my own soul before I worry about others. You're absolutely right: I'm not worrying about anyone elses. I don't have to worry about you, you're confident, I love that. Everyone else can go to hell for all I care, they may not deserve it, but it's not my business what they choose to do with their life. I might not be a Christian, and I'm scared you might not want to live with that.

Some things I've always felt like I needed to say:

I know you love your family, but I pray to whatever is out there that you get as far away from there as you can as soon as you can. There are times when I would not think twice about stabbing your dad in the throat. He is completely inconsiderate of the woman he claims to love, and completely irresponsible to the family he has. He needs to grow the fuck up already, and quite complaining about money when there are things he could be doing to have more. He needs to quit worrying about his fucking sex drive and his 'need for alchohol' and worry more about you and your sister. I know you won't be able to get health insurance through them anyway after this year, but still- it pisses me the fuck off. Your mom seems like she never got out of high school, she doesn't even seem to have social skills, and then starts throwing fits anytime anyone says anything she doesn't really like (whether the fits are just silence or angry words). Your dad's almost the same way in that regard. I can't say anything about your sister, she has to deal with the same parents you do.

And to be honest, I'm not sure that I'm any better for you, or for your life. We will always be in struggle. We are different, maybe too different. I didn't want to say it the other day, but we are very different people. I hate the fact that you're only applying to colleges in Texas, just because you want to stay with me. There are bigger things out there than me and you, and someday I might go far off to try to show people there are better ways to live their life. I might go to foreign countries and try to shut down slave factories, I don't see myself murdering people in meat factories or science labs, but I certainly will fight them with whatever I fucking can. I don't want to be apart from you, but this world might force it. And I fucking hate myself for saying it.

I love you, now and always. You will always be the most dear thing to my heart, and as I said, I don't ever want to leave you. But I'm afraid you can't live with who I really am.
I love you toe mush,
-Joe-

I hope I haven't wasted to much of your time.

Extra Zero · « **Reply #1 on:** Jan 18, 2005, 03:16:05 PM »

That's why you should jump in a freezer until robot wives are cheap and efficient.

B E C K · « **Reply #2 on:** Jan 18, 2005, 03:27:23 PM »

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When the love of your life is so different, How do you fucking cope?

I found out he wasn't the love of my life.

Fiero · « **Reply #3 on:** Jan 18, 2005, 03:31:22 PM »

Damn Nuri, that's a way to put into perspective.

Although Zero does have a good idea. Do you think they'll feel like real women, or is it just the 'running the household' part of being a wife?

Extra Zero · « **Reply #4 on:** Jan 18, 2005, 03:39:46 PM »

When I said efficent, I meant efficent.

The D · « **Reply #5 on:** Jan 18, 2005, 03:47:27 PM »

Heh, I love the way you say we're your only friends besides a few other people....

What great friends, we're all nutjobs, fanatics, liberals, and just plain not normal.

Of course, this means you fit in perfectly. XD

B E C K · « **Reply #6 on:** Jan 18, 2005, 03:50:59 PM »

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When I said efficent, I meant efficent.

As opposed to efficient, which you said earlier.

Fiero · « **Reply #7 on:** Jan 18, 2005, 03:59:30 PM »

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Heh, I love the way you say we're your only friends besides a few other people....

What great friends, we're all nutjobs, fanatics, liberals, and just plain not normal.

Of course, this means you fit in perfectly. XD

Of course, because I also can't decide what my political stance is, I might be a nutjob, too!

Wickedly Yours E · « **Reply #8 on:** Jan 18, 2005, 04:02:16 PM »

FUCK Politics. Screw where you stand. I stand on cold feet, who cares if they're republican or democratic?

The D · « **Reply #9 on:** Jan 18, 2005, 04:04:07 PM »

I've never aligned myself with one party, although I consider myself mostly moderate democrat.

Fiero · « **Reply #10 on:** Jan 18, 2005, 04:07:44 PM »

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FUCK Politics. Screw where you stand. I stand on cold feet, who cares if they're republican or democratic?

Dude, I'm kind of cold myself. Let's start a third-party campaign.

Wickedly Yours E · « **Reply #11 on:** Jan 18, 2005, 04:10:12 PM »

Yes, we'll call it the Cold Party. We stand for wool socks and fur-lined boots.

Fiero · « **Reply #12 on:** Jan 18, 2005, 04:29:59 PM »

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Yes, we'll call it the Cold Party. We stand for wool socks and fur-lined boots.

Perhaps you should re-read a paragraph or two up there before asking for wool or fur for any product I'd be wearing.

Wickedly Yours E · « **Reply #13 on:** Jan 18, 2005, 04:41:24 PM »

Synthetic fur and wool! They have the Synthetic stuff!

Fiero · « **Reply #14 on:** Jan 18, 2005, 04:51:48 PM »

Yesh.

Extra Zero · « **Reply #15 on:** Jan 18, 2005, 05:24:53 PM »

I don't let politics get in the way of a relationship, it's hard enough to find someone who likes half the things I do.

Faye Valentine · « **Reply #16 on:** Jan 18, 2005, 07:11:22 PM »

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When the love of your life is so different, How do you fucking cope?
I found out he wasn't the love of my life.

word word.

yo Fiero so are you gonna break up with her?

Extra Zero · « **Reply #17 on:** Jan 18, 2005, 07:16:28 PM »

I think his interest in robot wives says it all.

B E C K · « **Reply #18 on:** Jan 19, 2005, 12:40:07 AM »

I'm kinda reminded about this Joyce Brothers column where she did everything but call the letter-writer a bigot. A woman in her mid 30's to early 40's was getting back into the dating scene after her lengthy marriage dissolved and asked some question concerning her parents' old values. She would only date men of her own religion, as she did when she was young. Joyce pretty much told her to date all different types of people, but I got the impression that Joyce also should've considered that religion may be very important for this woman. If she wants to exclude people not in her religion, let her. I wouldn't date a homeless person. That doesn't make me a bigot.

Fiero · « **Reply #19 on:** Jan 19, 2005, 09:01:39 AM »

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I wouldn't date a homeless person. That doesn't make me a bigot.

Even if he's a really nice guy and/or girl?

No, I'm not breaking up with her, I thought she'd be breaking up with me, but it's not as bad as I thought'd be. We somehow managed to work through it last night, then she had an asthma attack for six hours (her inhaler ran out), and she had to wait until then before a fucking cab would come pick up her mom to save her fucking life. They don't have medical insurance so they weren't about to call an ambulance.

Additionally, I've discovered I'm an arrogant asshole in some regards. I was pissed about her dad drinking instead of saving money, I should be pissed at myself for the same reason, replacing alcohol with toys and games. I thought she was staying in-state for me, WRONG, a lot of Texas schools have good fine arts programs, why leave?

I feel like an asshole through and through, but, it's better now.

Rodent of Unusual Size · « **Reply #20 on:** Jan 19, 2005, 12:19:04 PM »

Well, the important thing is to clear the air and work from there.

Gee, that sounded too much like Jesse Jackson for my tastes. Let me try again. You've been honest about yourself, which is never easy to do. The ball's in her court. If she decides she can't take it, don't sweat it...you're better off knowing now than after you're married with three kids. It's not easy, but you don't have to live the lie anymore.

As for your questions in life..."to thine own self be true".

blanktoe · « **Reply #21 on:** Jan 19, 2005, 02:10:04 PM »

In other words dont marry her and buy more toys.

B E C K · « **Reply #22 on:** Jan 20, 2005, 12:52:08 AM »

!!!

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Even if he's a really nice guy and/or girl?

Nice doesn't cut it if they're too stupid too find a place a live that isn't made out of cardboard and reads "Frigidare".

Fiero · « **Reply #23 on:** Jan 20, 2005, 08:03:10 AM »

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!!!

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Even if he's a really nice guy and/or girl?
Nice doesn't cut it if they're too stupid too find a place a live that isn't made out of cardboard and reads "Frigidare".

What if it's the law of their commune that all nice people get shit homes?

B E C K · « **Reply #24 on:** Jan 21, 2005, 02:31:51 AM »

WTCHOP?

Rodent of Unusual Size · « **Reply #25 on:** Jan 21, 2005, 08:50:37 AM »

Charles Manson had something to do with it, I'm sure.

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In other words dont marry her and buy more toys.

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is truly yours. If not, hunt it down and shoot it."

B E C K · « **Reply #26 on:** Jan 22, 2005, 02:46:05 AM »

Yeah, like he said. Go shoot your toys.

Extra Zero · « **Reply #27 on:** Jan 22, 2005, 10:32:16 AM »

Yeah, go tell Prime to "sit and spin".

MegatronYES · « **Reply #28 on:** Jan 22, 2005, 12:10:14 PM »

That was a magnificent slice of life.

But Satanist don't traditionally worship the devil.

Extra Zero · « **Reply #29 on:** Jan 22, 2005, 12:55:42 PM »

What about Satanists?