Deep Thoughts by Beck Handey

[B E C K]

I saw one of those giant people-windsocks--you know, those ones that wave around and shit--and it leaned over and began to hug an ambulence.  It was beautiful.

I was looking out at the cloudy sky and suddenly the clouds parted for the sun and it looked like I was about to be born if I would remember that and the inside of the human body was not red at all.  Then clouds continued to shift and it turned into a bobcat riding a motorcycle before morphing into two hippos fucking.  I am not shitting you.

I was cleaning out one of the microwaves at work and people looked all amazed and shit.  Something exploded in there and people just let that shit sit there and crust.  I can't eat and go back to my cube and my day without thinking of that damn crust.  Mock me, will you, crust.  I showed you, bitch.

Jorge keeps trying to attack my feet.  He used to have a phobia of feet.  We think someone kicked him, probably a man because he's scared of men.  Well, not girly men, but dudes with testosteroney man-voices.  I'm just sitting here typing and he keeps trying to do a drive-by on my feet: except he doesn't have a gun, he has claws and teeth he shoots at my toes instead.  I cover them with a pillow, but my feet need to breathe and he notices again, making me having to hide them under a pillow until they need to breathe again.  It's sad when the neighborhood declines like this.

[B E C K]

Three times this week I've wanted to punch Spanish-speaking little old ladies.  The ironic Spanish-speaking part of my brain I thought had been deported sometime around birth is all "Si, se puede!".  The English speaking side is all "Do it, do it!" and then it tells the Spanish side the learn English.  Then the Spanish side points out to the English side that we could all be making four more dollars an hour if I were bilingual.

I've been grinding my teeth.  I wonder how long it will take before I do serious damage.  I tried teethy guard things and I don't like the way they feel on my teeth.  I've tried gagging myself with a shirt, chewing on my tongue, chewing on my hand.  Sometime last night I bit the inside of my mouth and it looks gross: like a tiny piece of old-school Wrigley's Doublemint got stuck on the side of my mouth.  Have you seen that gum lately?  It got kinda gay.

[B E C K]

I tried making angelhair pasta for the first time today for four.  I checked the box to see how much I should use and the box said that to serve 4 that I should use the whole box.  So I'm all "rly, k" even though it looks like a lot.  I figure this shit probably looks smaller cooked or whatever.  So anyway, I make it all and it is a HUGE amount.  It would probably feed four if we were all contestants on week one of the Biggest Loser.  Furthermore, I added olive oil but this stuff still wanted to freakin' clump.  I don't care so much for thin pasta.  I looked back at the box where the calories are listed and it says "servings 8" and I'm all "fuck u, too" because eight servings is still too goddamn many.  Skinner, you are retarded.

[Rama]

I grind my teeth while I sleep. I also tried the mouth guard, but can't sleep with it in and just have to live with it. I think it might be a physical manifestation of my built up angst.

[B E C K]

The Food Bank lost an N last week and it made me smile because everytime I would see the building, I'd think "From the makers of Ong Bak: Food Bak".  But then they put the N back and I thought "well, you're no fun".

Why does Disney call it Fast Play if it takes longer to get to the damn movie?  Why does Disney not allow me to change languages without going to the set-up screen?  Why, after I change the language, is there nothing to resume the movie from where I left off and I have to start all over again.  I wonder if the Blu-Ray edition lets you change the language mid-movie?  Disney, you didn't make the prince black, but at least let me make him speak some Spanish.  BTW, where's the damn French.  Don't be miserly, yo.

[B E C K]

I grind my teeth while I sleep. I also tried the mouth guard, but can't sleep with it in and just have to live with it. I think it might be a physical manifestation of my built up angst.

I'm wondering if it started when graduation was approaching and I became stressed about what I would do since I didn't have a job lined up and felt really, really lazy.  But I was still in school when the dentist noticed and sure as heck didn't imagine it would take so damn long to find work.  I'm wondering if unemployment made shit worse.  I want a mouth guard for my lowers but they seem to make them for uppers.  At least what I've seen.  Am I in danger of choking on it if I put it on my lowers?  Hmm.

[Rama]

I think they think it's redundant. I mean since if you have the guard on the top they aren't like touching anymore. But if you want like lowers instead of uppers...well no idea. I only had a upper. 

[B E C K]

I meant instead, not in addition to.  The mouth-thingy irritates the gums on my upper and I'm wondering if it might be more comfortable on my lowers.

[Rama]

Well like I said, no idea why they don't offer that. Cheap I guess.

[Bernie AKA]

"What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life? The world would split open."

Wish I'd thought of that one.

[Fiero]

Everytime I go to work, I imagine everyone on the road there exploding into flame. I think my commute would be better the next day if this happened.

[Sam]

I've been grinding my teeth.  I wonder how long it will take before I do serious damage.  I tried teethy guard things and I don't like the way they feel on my teeth.  I've tried gagging myself with a shirt, chewing on my tongue, chewing on my hand.  Sometime last night I bit the inside of my mouth and it looks gross: like a tiny piece of old-school Wrigley's Doublemint got stuck on the side of my mouth.  Have you seen that gum lately?  It got kinda gay.

I don't grind my teeth, but I think I do just about everything else in my sleep.  I sleep walk, sleep talk, sleep shout, almost sufficated by aspirating saliva, and once in a while I'll be woken up by an incredibly loud noise that only exists in my own head.  The first time it happened, I thought every shelf, cupboard, and table in my apartment collapsed simultaneously.  I got out of bed fearing the worst, but it turns out nothing had happened.  Some time down the line it happened again and I looked it up only to find that it happens to other people too and it has the greatest name ever: exploding head syndrome.

[Derrick]

I lift my legs when I sleep, and sometimes talk gibberish. This is all according to Kary, who may be drunk when she's observing this. Damn lush.

JOKING!

[Bernie AKA]

As long s the leg lifting isn't followed by peeing in the bed it's all good.  As least talking, moving, etc. wards off my nemises - sleep paralysis.  

[Derrick]

I get that with naps.

[B E C K]

I saw a cloud the other day that looked like a Behemoth from Final Fantasy, but I can't think of which FF it was.

[Faye Valentine]

I don't sleep anymore. I kinda miss it.
Nuri you should go to the dentist, I heard that on the long run it'll affect your mouth muscles and your gums. I know this girl that used to wake up with her mouth full of blood cause of this

[B E C K]

B-b-b-b-but I don't like dentists!  

[Rama]

I need to go to the dentist. I got a cavity that needs to be taken care of. It is a chamber of tortures, but I still need to do it.

[Faye Valentine]

B-b-b-b-but I don't like dentists!  

Nobody likes dentists but sometimes you just have to do it. I haven't been to the dentist in at least 3 years. I expect a lot of blood next time I have to go.

[Derrick]

I floss and brush twice daily while using the purple and white listerine. My mouth is immaculate. No bleeding @ the dentist.

[Faye Valentine]

I do that too but I think my body got a little out of whack with the hormones cause I started bleeding (and found out its normal) but still it sucked. Not anymore though. Didn't help that I'm hemophobic.

I use the blue listerine and it sucks ass.

[Fiero]

I do that too but I think my body got a little out of whack with the hormones cause I started bleeding (and found out its normal) but still it sucked. Not anymore though. Didn't help that I'm hemophobic.

I use the blue listerine and it sucks ass.

You are afraid of blood? But it is all inside you! Are you only scared when it is red?

[Derrick]

I give blood every 2 months. I freak Kary out when I come home because of my 'dead' arm. It's all cold and pale, I just threaten to touch her and she freaks out.

[Faye Valentine]

You are afraid of blood? But it is all inside you! Are you only scared when it is red?

Nah, its weird. Like I dont care about my monthly visitor but now that my baby's cord fell off and she was bleeding a little, I was panicking about it, and couldn't clean it at all. Like I get all dizzy and pale and weak. So its not about my own blood unless its a paper cut, then shit gets real. Oh and god forbid I need to get my blood drawn (happened a LOT in the last few months). I found out I was hemophobic ( I dont know if i ever told this story here) when I was reading Memoirs of a Geisha in Peru (ironically, I was there on vacations after I finished my first year of pre-med. Of course I had to change my career afterwards :-( ) and there was this part when this geisha wanted to cut this other geisha's leg (just a little) so she had an excuse to go to the doc, so she cut it but she said "it didnt go through the first layer of skin, do it harder!" and I read that same line over and over again, feeling dizzier and dizzier until I fainted. Woke up surrounded by my dad and his friends, called the ambulance etc. Dad screamed at me cause he thought I was anorexic or some shit, saying "i told you to eat breakfast, you are not eating enough!" and I told him it was cause of what I read and he didn't believe me. Later when I got blood tests done he saw my reaction, and then the tests came back and I  was completely healthy. Then he realized I was right and took me to a psychologist who , after some tests, "discovered" I was indeed hemophobic. She laughed her ass off when I told her I couldnt get into therapy with her cause I needed to come back to the US to continue with my pre-med studies -_-

[The D]

Some time down the line it happened again and I looked it up only to find that it happens to other people too and it has the greatest name ever: exploding head syndrome.

I think I may have this as well, as I could have sworn I've been woken up before by a sudden loud noise many times, only to not be able to figure out the source of the noise. Then again, my bedroom isn't very soundproof and I can often hear other tenants banging around faintly, or hear things outside pretty well. Sometimes the garbage men make the dumpster bang around really loudly, and that can wake me up. And then there's the time there were gunshots a block from where I live and I could hear them like they were right outside my window. Woke me up from a dead sleep and I was on the ground in a second.


Not too long ago an extremely loud crash woke me up from a dead sleep. I woke up in full panic mode with my heart racing like crazy, and I honestly thought the entire world was ending. I ran to the TV and turned it on expecting to see a newscaster talking about everyone running around in a panic while the world collapsed.

Turns out it was a very close lightning bolt that had woke me up. Another one struck close by and the thunder was so loud the building's walls reverberated.

[Fiero]

My mom was never grossed out by the smell or sight of vomit until I was born. Now she can not be around it very long or she will spew. That makes me feel pretty powerful.