I've actually fought the FAMU offensive line. But that was sort of the opposite of this. It was me and 2 other white kids, vastly out numbered, challenging the biggest black men in the city to an all out no holds barred battle, it wasn't racially motivated like this garbage though.
However it was fucking epic, and songs are still sung in the mead halls of tallahassee about that night to this very day...
/blows a smoke ring
*Dissolve to flashback*
I was dating this girl who insisted that someone had dumped beer on her. More than likely someone had accidentally spilled some beer on her. She was always getting me into trouble, I had begun to suspect that she just liked watching me fight for her. So she shows me who the "culprits" are. And it's a group of the biggest black guys I'd ever seen not on television. The FAMU offensive line. Since I was alone and thinking that she's full of shit and just wants to see me have a near death experience I decided that I was going to take a pass on this fight and told her we're going home.
Then my friends arrive. They ask where I'm going. I say home. They ask why. I tell them...
"Since when have you ever walked away from a fight?"
"...fine, lets go."
I go back into the bar.
My scrappy smaller friend actually runs ahead of me and starts talking shit to them before I get over there. He's suddenly surrounded, and vanishes behind 6'3'' and taller tree sized black guys. Then I arrive, and one of the goblins surrounding the trolls tells the team's center. "White boy lookin at you all crazy"
The cave troll chieftain looked down at me (and I'm 6'2") and said I best stop starin before I get my ass beat or something to that effect.
To which I replied "You ain't gonna do shit motherfucker"
And he said "what you say bitch?"
"You...ain't...gonna...do...shit...motherfucker"
Then he cranked back to throw a punch. But he's weighs over 330 lbs. So when he cranked his arm back it was almost like slow motion to me. I put my left ham on his bi-cep and pushed so he couldn't punch and simultaneously cranked my arm back...
When we were kids there was a toy called thunder punch He-man...
A loud crack was heard like a side of beef hitting the ground after falling from a 10 story building.
I didn't have time to see what happened to him before they were upon me...
One of them pushed me.
There was this little concrete square meant to hold a trashcan in place right outside the door. I fell into this thing...ass first.
Can you appreciate this situation? It was like I was reaching down to touch my toes but placed ass first into a garbage can. Ever see people get stuck like that on america's funniest home videos?
Except with 2 guys my size standing over me getting ready to pound me into hamburger there was nothing funny about this.
During times like these you don't think. To think is to fall into despair at your circumstances and know defeat. It is in moments like this that you must reach for the impossible and kick reason to the curb.
One of them leans over and punches me and then...A pair of shiny red pointy sunglasses appear out of the ether and attaches to my face.
After he hit me I grab his collar and pull myself out of the trash can holder with my left hand, and as I raise myself out of certain doom I drop the fucking hammer with my right. He staggers back, I push his friend and run up some stairs to gain the high ground. The guy I pushed wants to come up the stairs after me but he('s smarter than anakin and) knows I'll kick a field goal with his head if he tries.
Then some puerto rican kid whose standing on the stairs behind me watching all this says "Man you knocked big pun the fuck out". And I look and there is the mighty troll chieftain. Blood all over his face from where I split him with my Fist of Earnur punch. He's back on his feet now but a little wobbly and he's raging. He's yelling for me to come down there. I tell him I'm not coming down there so you faggots can jump me. Come up here you fat fuck! He comes close to the stairs and I consider reaching over and bitch slapping him but decided not to.
Then a siren is heard and flashing lights appear. Everyone runs away. Aside from a bump on the head I had escaped this trial virtually unscathed.
The next night my friend who works there is talking to the football players and he tells them all about the crazy girlfriend. And they said it was an accident with the beer, and they tried to apologize but she started bitching at them.
They said they weren't even mad at us, in fact they said in a tone filled with wonderment that we would attack a force such as theirs with only 3...
"Man, you got some crazy ass white friends".
And in the battles yet to come those words would be proven true...time and time again.
*Conan the Destroyer Music*
