"What's Wrong With Cinderella?"

[B E C K]

If you're bored and looking for a novel, here you are.  It's over half a year old, but I found it relatively interesting.  It's an over-thinking feminazi whining about the ill-effects of the princess syndrome, primarily through Disney's Princess line.

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/24/magazine/24princess.t.html?ei=5088&en=8e5a1ac1332a802c&ex=1324616400&partner=rssnyt&emc=rss&pagewanted=all

It mentions Disney's Fairy line with Tinkerbell, and I decided to look up the fairies out of mere curiousity.  There's a fairy named Beck.  I don't know whether or not to be insulted that it's the one that talks to animals.   

Stuff I liked:

What’s more, Disney films like “A Bug’s Life” in 1998 had yielded few merchandising opportunities — what child wants to snuggle up with an ant?

Those ants kinda annoyed me.  Merla loved that movie to death.  I saw it one time and could live the rest of my life rather happily if I never saw it again.

Even Dora the Explorer, the intrepid, dirty-kneed adventurer, has ascended to the throne: in 2004, after a two-part episode in which she turns into a “true princess,” the Nickelodeon and Viacom consumer-products division released a satin-gowned “Magic Hair Fairytale Dora,” with hair that grows or shortens when her crown is touched. Among other phrases the bilingual doll utters: “Vámonos! Let’s go to fairy-tale land!” and “Will you brush my hair peinamé mi cabello?”

Corrected.   

Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Ariel, Belle, Jasmine, Mulan and Pocahontas. It was the first time Disney marketed characters separately from a film’s release, let alone lumped together those from different stories. To ensure the sanctity of what Mooney called their individual “mythologies,” the princesses never make eye contact when they’re grouped: each stares off in a slightly different direction as if unaware of the others’ presence.

I never noticed that.  Freak out.

Likewise, Mulan and Pocahontas, arguably the most resourceful of the bunch, are rarely depicted on Princess merchandise, though for a different reason. Their rustic garb has less bling potential than that of old-school heroines like Sleeping Beauty. (When Mulan does appear, she is typically in the kimonolike hanfu, which makes her miserable in the movie, rather than her liberated warrior’s gear.)

I find that hysterical.

Anyway, you have to give girls some credit. It’s true that, according to Mattel, one of the most popular games young girls play is “bride,” but Disney found that a groom or prince is incidental to that fantasy, a regrettable necessity at best.

What, like in reality?  Ouch. 

[B E C K]

Speaking of Disney Princesses, what do you guys think of the upcoming first black Disney princess?  My only question is when is the one in the wheelchair coming.  I thought it was hilarious that people got all upset that her name was Maddy and she was a chambermaid-- not unlike freaking Cinderella and, to an extent, Snow White.  (Cleaning up after seven men!  I don't care if they are like, half-men.  That's still three and a half men.  What a handful!)  And of course Disney kowtows to the cries of racism, changes her name to Tiana, and dusts (so to speak) the chambermaid angle.

[The D]

Didn't read the whole thing yet.

Read in a local alt newspaper a similar thing. Will try to find it later.

Growing up as a spoiled princess makes you become like Faye.

[IDE]

Speaking of Disney Princesses, what do you guys think of the upcoming first black Disney princess?  My only question is when is the one in the wheelchair coming.  I thought it was hilarious that people got all upset that her name was Maddy and she was a chambermaid-- not unlike freaking Cinderella and, to an extent, Snow White.  (Cleaning up after seven men!  I don't care if they are like, half-men.  That's still three and a half men.  What a handful!)  And of course Disney kowtows to the cries of racism, changes her name to Tiana, and dusts (so to speak) the chambermaid angle.

That's ridiculous.  I hope this flops now.

[The D]

This is what wanting to be a princess does to you. Actually, the girl with the auto IS a princess. She must have gotten tired of all the papparatzi.

[B E C K]

Belle was pretty much a maid too, with her pops being a crazy old inventor and all.  Someone had to change his diaper and all.  It annoys me that we're suppose to treat everyone as equals, but then people want to blow up that the black girl is a maid instead of seeing a new character that goes from rags to riches and happens to be black.  We can't Poitierize everyone.

[Merla]

Hahaha you reminded me of these nasty pics some dude at the Voltron board showed me.  It was of Belle seducing Ariel.  And she's saying "Belle I don't think we should be doing this."  HAHAHAHA.

[Wickedly Yours E]

That's....that's kind of disturbing, Merla.
Yet kind of hot...Except Ariel's a mermaid. No go there.

[B E C K]

She became a human at the end to be with Eric.  And then apparently cheated on him with Belle, it seems.

[The D]

She discovered she was a dyke.

[B E C K]

Everybody's a little gay.  Also, Eric was a loser.

[Merla]

She discovered she was a dyke.

No, Ariel and Belle are both puffs.

[B E C K]

Are there any Disney dykes?  The closest I can think of is one of the statues from the Hunchback of Notre Dame.  Oh, and Ursula the Sea Witch.

[B E C K]

Oh yeah, and those angry female lions from Lion Crap II: Simba's Gay Pride.

[Merla]

And that gorilla played by Rosie O'Donald.

[B E C K]

Oh shit yeah!  Not to mention the Whoopi Goldberg hyena was a bit dykey, too.

[B E C K]

Okay, I have to do this.  Besides, we need to leave the topic of dykes, no matter how much I'd still tap Ursula the Sea Witch.

I'm going to rank Disney princesses.  I was actually going to factor in things like intelligence and personality, but so many of them are devoid of it that it probably wouldn't be fair to the others. 

1.  Ariel

2.  Jasmine  -  Eh, this was this was a toughie.  Her and Ariel were close.  But Ariel's bubbliness and red hair edge her ahead of Jasmine.

3.  Belle  -  Her bookish obliviousness should be something I ally with more, but then she has those beastiality issues.  She's sorta stale, too.

4.  Cinderella - I actually thinks she's hotter than Belle, but she's kinda lamer.

5.  Pocahontas  -  Now only if she didn't feel the need to speak.

6.  Aurora - Just think she's better looking than Mulan.

7.  Mulan  -  Too bitchy.  Too much honor this and that.  Her character could've been so much more.

8.  Snow White  -  Yuck.

[The D]

Oh shit yeah!  Not to mention the Whoopi Goldberg hyena was a bit dykey, too.

She's not a bit dykey, she's a complete carpet muncher. Remember those female hyenas have those pseudo-penises.

[Rama]

If we didn't watch a lot of Disney can we list our top ten G.I. Joes instead?

[Faye Valentine]

God people, they are only cartoons! in no way watching the Little Mermaid 8594383948 times has affected me as an adult

[B E C K]

If we didn't watch a lot of Disney can we list our top ten G.I. Joes instead?

Of course you can.  But you need to decide which Disney Princess get-up each one gets to wear.

Oh shit yeah!  Not to mention the Whoopi Goldberg hyena was a bit dykey, too.

She's not a bit dykey, she's a complete carpet muncher. Remember those female hyenas have those pseudo-penises.

I'm ashamed I forgot that, after that stupid Sandra Bullock movie where her detective character was called the Hyena.  Like I'm suppose to believe Annie from Speed has a penis of any kind.

[Rama]

If we didn't watch a lot of Disney can we list our top ten G.I. Joes instead?

Of course you can.  But you need to decide which Disney Princess get-up each one gets to wear.

Ok.

1. Spirit
2. Low Light
3. Beach Head
4. Snow Job
5. Duke
6. Flint
7. Lady Jaye
8. Roadblock
9. Shipwreck
10. Hawk

and if Joes wear Princess get-ups, then the terrorist win.

[Merla]

(1) Mainframe

(2) Dusty

(3) Spirit (Sigma Six)

(4) Flint

(5) Beachhead

(6) Lady Jaye

(7) Jinx (Not sigma!)

(8-) Duke

(9) Steeler

(10) Shipwreck (for laughs)

[B E C K]

She was trying to think up this list last night and she was all "Mainframe.... and Mainframe... and uh, Mainframe".  And Merla has no love for Roadblock. 

What about the Vindow Viper?  He was like a janitor or something, right, but can we count him? 

[Rama]

And if we add Cobra:

1. Cobra Viper

2. Destro

3. Cobra Commander

4. Major Bludd

5. Storm Shadow

6. Snow Serpent

7. Crimson Guard

8. EELS

9. Tomax

10. Xamot

[B E C K]

Nobody said you could add Cobra, bitch!  What, Zartan doesn't count?  And where's the Baroness?  wut R U gay!?11sdcffdev

[Rama]

Never really liked the Dreadnoks, that includes Zartan. Don't hate him, but I don't really like him either.

And I think I can trace my love of women in glasses to the Baroness, but her figure was horrible, and "Screaming Eastern European Woman" was about as much character development as she got in the toon. Baroness didn't make my Cobra List for the same reason Scarlett or Cover Girl didn't make my Joe list.

And what is with Merla's obession with Mainframe? I can barely remember the guy. He just sorta sat behind the desk with Breaker all the time.

[B E C K]

I dunno, but Mainframe apparently did it for her.  Probably Lifeline, too. 

[Sam]

Spirit?  What the hell?  Man, how did Spirit end up fighting nijas in the cartoon?  That never made any sense to me.

[B E C K]

It was all a part of affirmative action.