The coffee shop I semi-frequent is distributing a collection of writing made by students at Newman U. Some of the stuff is okay, a lot of it is about sex, and overall it's pretty entertaining. This bit caught my eye, and I had to share it. The piece is called Offerings From the Book of Gin, and it was written by John Skelton, who I suppose has done more than his fair share of field research.
And it came to pass that Tonicandlime and the Paininites passed out of the land of Eggnog, and thought their sphincters bled and their feet had great carbuncles, they were mirthful. For the Lord had blessed them. Yea, even that their livers were likened unto swiss cheese and their kidneys stained their urine pinkish, they gave praise to the Lord. And there they built an altar and offered up birnt offerings of beer nuts and little sausages. There was much joyous frolicking. They called this new land Brewdah in His honor.
Ginesis 14:11-13
At the end of five days, fasting atop Mount Arafat, Gimlet stirred from his torpor, and Lo! A vision of a mighty and translucent bottle came unto him. Crying out of fearful awe, he flung himself prone. "Arise Gimlet," the Lord of Spirits commanded, "And write thee down these helpful suggestions. Disseminate them unto thy flock, who even now stagger about in inevriated jollity."
"Are they not commandments my Lord?"
"Nay, merely suggestions, you know, to help out. I mean jeez, you sots have been amuck in the friggin' desert for forty years. I'm personally amazed that any of you survived at all, particularly the way you drink. More proof that I am who is called I Am, no doubt."
"...Popeye?"
"No you dolt! I Am. Not Popeye. Look, it's not that hard, just write this stuff down." The thunder in the Lord's vexation shook deeply upon His prophet's dentures.
Wallowing in his profound unworthiness, Gimlet wailed in trepidation, gnashing his teeth and supplicating unto the Lord; "Have'st thy a pen and paper or something like that, oh Spirit of the Highest Proof?"
"Good Lord! Must I do everything for you bums... here." And so did an Eraser-Mate pen with an ergonomic grip and tablets of fine writing stock appear unto Gimlet.
Eightysixodus 5:19-36
The Ten Helpful Hints of the Lord:
1] Even though they look much like Grape Nuts through the fog of a hangover, Tender Vittles do not a good component of a healthy breakfast make.
2] Drinkest thou not from any vessel bigger than a forty, for this is a Party Foul.
3] Stepest thou not, drunkenly in front of the dartboard.
4] Makest thou party hats only from empty twelve packs.
5] Runnest thou not with scissors.
6] Flavor thou grain alcohol only with juniper.
7] Servest all thy highballs with a slice of lime.
8] Zippest up neither thy peter nor they pubes in thy loincloth, robe or smock.
9] Honor thy bartenders and exotic dancers with frequent tips.
10] Playest thy drinking games only with quarters.
Eightysixodus 6:1-10
