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Topics - Bernie AKA

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:happybirthday: !!!  :bernie:  :faye:

Britney Spears is to film herself giving birth for a TV show. The sexy singer, who is expecting her first baby with husband Kevin Federline later this year, will show the footage in a one-off sequel to her hit reality series 'Britney and Kevin: Chaotic'.

Meanwhile, Britney is reportedly to give birth listening to Disney tunes. The 23-year-old 'Toxic' singer - who starred on the Disney Channel's 'Mickey Mouse Club' show as a child - is said to have chosen her favourite songs from 'The Princess Collection' to help her cope with labour.

I'm unplugging all the TVs that night in case a freak lightning storm causes arcs that fry the channel selector.   :x

Tropical Paradise of Hard Shelled Fruits / Okay, I'm speechless
« on: Aug 02, 2005, 11:21:37 AM »
From the BrewBoard, a home brewing forum

Brew PROBLEM! need help!, Babys diaper fell in primary fermentator

BrewBoard Newbie

Group: Members
Posts: 14
Joined: 27-October 04
Member No.: 2,901

 No joke! My wife had a pissy diaper on on the top shelf (have no idea why!!) 

And It fell in when I was reaching for the Lid! I quick got it out, and ran up stairs to see if it was a used, or unused diaper.....

It was a Hefewizen!!!

Now what! Should I throw this out or not 


***NOT A JOKE****

A nice frothy Tinklewizen, sir?  :x


When the office GOP rah-rah guy sends something like this out, I know the world is on a tilt.  FOX News is usually the wind beneath his wings.

"My first thought when I heard - just on a personal basis, when I heard there had been this attack and I saw the futures this morning, which were really in the tank, I thought, 'Hmmm, time to buy.'"
- Fox News's Brit Hume,

That's right - his first thought after hearing about the awful terrorist attack in London today wasn't "how tragic," or "let's say a prayer for the dead," or "how can I help the victims" - his first thought was, there was a terrorist attack, how can I personally profit off it? In fact, his impulse to use the bloodshed to make himself money was so intense, he actually voiced it on national television (FYI - in case you'd like to voice your displeasure, Brit's email address is brit.hume@foxnews.com  and his office number is 202-824-6300).

I'll live vicariously through you while I'm tiling my kitchen counter.  But I'll need therapy if I look at that fake marble laminate much longer, so sacrifices must be made.   :wacko:  

Tropical Paradise of Hard Shelled Fruits / HAPPY PRIDE DAY!!!!
« on: Jun 25, 2005, 11:24:49 AM »
In a beautiful twist of irony, it's also my brother's birthday. :bernie:

Herbie ran over Lindsay Lohan during filming

Research amongst yourselves if curious.  :P

Tropical Paradise of Hard Shelled Fruits / I'm still laughing....
« on: Jun 23, 2005, 01:38:45 PM »
   Be it known to all who bear witness, that the Chair, by virtue of the authority invested in the Executive Director of the Republican Presidential Task Force, confers this warrant of Platinum membership to:

   (my former married name here)

   A Republican Leader in the Houston community and steadfast supporter of President George W. Bush.

   Whereas, (former married name), is known to represent the highest Republican ideals and principles; we have, therefore, affixed the grand seal of the Republican Presidential Task Force and affixed our names in confirmation.


   Senator Elizabeth Dole
   Mark Stephens
                      Executive Director

I'm hanging it up at work beside my "How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?" clipping.  :P


Tropical Paradise of Hard Shelled Fruits / More trouble in baseball
« on: Apr 05, 2005, 03:01:28 PM »
Opening day got cancelled.  :joe:

All the Cardinals are in Rome.... :P  

4/1 is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Day:

Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing,
working your last nerve with tedious and boring details
that you don't give a darn about?

Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating
MORE work for you?

Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can
look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch?

Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she
enters a room, everyone else clears it?

Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to
officially announce it as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING

These are the rules you must follow:

* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.

* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you
  again in the same day.

* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers
  take their turns slapping the irritant.

* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's
  head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.

* CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient,
  your "assault" must be followed with something like
  "cause I'm sick of your stupid-a$$ always messing up stuff!"

* If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor
  is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE!

Now, study the rules really good and break out your list of
folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and
get to slapping.....and have a great day!!


Tropical Paradise of Hard Shelled Fruits / Alcohol test!
« on: Mar 21, 2005, 12:04:17 PM »
Bottoms up!

Bacardi 151
Congratulations! You're 134 proof, with specific scores in beer (100) , wine (66), and liquor (113). 

All right. No more messing around. Your knowledge of alcohol is so high that you have drinking and getting plastered down to a science. Sure, you could get wasted drinking beer, but who needs all those trips to the bathroom? You head straight for the bar and pick up that which is most efficient. 

You scored higher than 82% on proof
 You scored higher than 97% on beer index
 You scored higher than 93% on wine index
 You scored higher than 97% on liquor index


Refund Status

We'll have ours in time for St. Paddy's Day  :D  

My co-worker has gotten than damn thing 8 times this morning and has to play it ALL THE WAY THROUGH, giggling like a loon the whole time.  :angry:  

It's pouring rain with blinding lightning.  I'm still going out at lunch to ESCAPE!!! :wacko:  

*warms up paddle*   :D  

"I'm doing pretty good," Bush declared last week in Pennsylvania where he promoted Social Security changes. "Feeling pretty spunky."

The anchors on BBC news were giggling about his choice of words this morning.   "Spunky" is slang for "covered with sperm" in the UK.  :P


Tropical Paradise of Hard Shelled Fruits / Happy Mardi Gras!
« on: Feb 08, 2005, 04:49:13 PM »
I've had a pseudo-tradition with some buds for the past decade or so.  Every Mardi Gras, we admit to something weird we've done the past year and to some personal oddity that may not be public knowledge.

I was too busy with remodeling to do anything particularly odd last year, so I had to make two admissions:

I adore things from the 40's - clothes, music, decor, ads, cars....this seems to astonish people as they connect me with Victorian stuff.

There's one guy old enough to be my father I would have done in a heartbeat.  :blink:  He died in 1995 and was cremated, so no remarks about popping in for a cold one, thank you. :P

Jeremy Brett when he's not Sherlock Holmes


Threatening our action figures!!!  :angry:


Andrea Yates is getting a new trial because the stupid prosecuting expert witness made up a Law & Order episode that allegedly inspired her to drown her kids.  I always said Martha Stewart should have killed someone.  :P

Don't drive that beater on the Houston freeways!  Stall out, and the SafeClear tow truck shows up to take your car & your $75.  People are pretty cheesed because they're not only taking wrecks, which need to be cleared, but also overheated cars that need water & cars with drivers in the middle of changing flat tires.

Our lame Clear Channel "alternative station" (i.e., they had the Gorillaz CD) is doing a tsunami relief request drive.  The more off-format, the higher the minimum donation, but people are apparently ponying up for old stuff that's fun instead of the usual old stuff that's tired.  Heard Oingo Boingo, Romeo Void, Suicidal Tendencies and Revolting Cocks and arrived at work in a good mood for once.  :)

And avoided the other news entirely last night by finally watching the revamped Fist of the North Star.  Not bad for Austin ADV.

Tropical Paradise of Hard Shelled Fruits / Happy Three Kings Day!
« on: Jan 06, 2005, 12:48:05 PM »
Traditionally in Mexico, Three Kings Day was the gift-giving time, rather than Christmas day. Just as it is common for children to leave cookies for Santa in the U.S., in some regions of Mexico, it was customary for children to leave their shoes out on the night of Jan. 5, often filling them with hay for the camels, in hopes that the Three Kings would be generous. Mexican children would awake on Jan. 6 to find their shoes filled with toys and gifts. Today, many Mexican-American families concentrate their gift-giving around the Christmas holiday, but some still give gifts for both Christmas and Three Kings Day.

This was a good day to get invited to dinner in Brownsville.  :)  Hay being in short supply, all the kids would be outside the night before pulling up dead grass.

This twelfth night of the twelve days of Christmas is the official end of the winter holiday season and one of the traditional days for taking down the Christmas decorations.  This is also a traditional day for wassailing apple trees. In southern and western England, revelers gathered in orchards where they sang to the trees, drank to their health, poured hot cider over their roots, left cider-soaked toast in their branches for the birds and scared away evil spirits with a great shout and the firing of guns.

And the drunken birds just sat there in a hail of shot.  Maybe that's where the fire-in-the-air New Year's tradition came from.  :P

Tropical Paradise of Hard Shelled Fruits / Happy New Year Everyone!
« on: Dec 31, 2004, 10:37:20 AM »
Leaving at noon; off on Monday.  :D

Be safe, call for a Tipsy Tow if necessary, and watch for falling bullets.

How can anyone in good conscience support or justify this given the deficit, not to mention that troops in Iraq were essentially told to suck up and quit bitching by Rumsfeld regarding not being properly equipped to fight?

Planned are nine official balls, a youth concert, a parade, a fireworks display and, of course, Bush's second swearing-in ceremony at noon on Jan. 20. The cost will be between $30 million and $40 million, an amount that does not include expenses for security.


Tropical Paradise of Hard Shelled Fruits / For you Wolf's Rain fans
« on: Dec 30, 2004, 10:00:31 AM »
Some Fucked-Up Shit  :angry:

I sent my chell this morning - all this asks for is a petition signature.  I hate chicken-ass crap like this.

We'll be here!

This is my cousin's place, so we get in free, plus he'll let us climb out on the rooftop for the downtown fireworks.  I do NOT want to bartend an open bar on New Year's.  There's gonna be some shitfaced assholes for sure.  :blink:  

Tropical Paradise of Hard Shelled Fruits / Today in History
« on: Dec 14, 2004, 04:14:12 PM »
Vlad Tepes met his doom.  :(  

And I got to hang up because some dumbfuck on 18 tripped the fire alarm.  :lol:

The FCC will no longer be able to baby-sit for your children, a spokesperson for the FCC said in a taped message left on Friday, because the FCC is a "little older now" and looking to do different things with their lives.

The last minute decision by the FCC has left millions of parents wondering who will be responsible for raising their children. A local man expressed the outrage surely felt by many throughout the country. "This is great, just great!" said sale rep Jack DeLante, while rifling through his rolodex looking for someone else who might be available to baby-sit last minute. "So on top of working, hanging out with my buddies, and juggling both my wife and my mistress, I now have to worry about over-seeing what my kid watches on TV? What the hell am I paying taxes for!?"

The sudden loss of the FCC as a reliable baby-sitter comes as even more of a surprise when you consider how well the government treated them, in tips, presents and other privileges. With free first class plane rides, trips to such places as New Orleans and Las Vegas, and even going so far as to let them have friends over while they were on the job, the government thought they had provided a situation where the FCC had it pretty good.

But that wasn't enough to keep one FCC commissioner sitting at home on Saturday nights. "Like, it's been really cool and all, and you guys have been great," her spokesman said, reading from a prepared statement, "but I just got a job at the Ice Cream Hut on Rt. 3, and a lot of my friends hang out there, so it's a lot more fun! And my boyfriend just got a car, so, you know, we'll probably just want to hang out and drive around or whatever."

The summer plans of the other FCC commissioners is not known, although a spokesman confirmed that one commissioner based part of his decision to quit on his desire to just "loaf around" and "find" himself. Meanwhile, concerned parents like Danny Clitstein, founder of the American Families First, are finding themselves in the difficult role of actually having to parent their children.

"I really don't know what to do," Danny told reporters, "I have relied so heavily on the FCC always being there for me, to be there for my kids, and now I guess I'll have to stay home and monitor what my own children watch, instead of spending countless hours at the AFF headquarters, shooting the shit and sending out threatening letters to advertisers." Clitstein took one last look around the office.

Meanwhile, the government has been talking to that nice girl Melissa who just moved in down the block, to see if she's interested in picking up some part-time work, or if she has any friends that might be interested.


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