Britney Spears is to film herself giving birth for a TV show. The sexy singer, who is expecting her first baby with husband Kevin Federline later this year, will show the footage in a one-off sequel to her hit reality series 'Britney and Kevin: Chaotic'.

Meanwhile, Britney is reportedly to give birth listening to Disney tunes. The 23-year-old 'Toxic' singer - who starred on the Disney Channel's 'Mickey Mouse Club' show as a child - is said to have chosen her favourite songs from 'The Princess Collection' to help her cope with labour.

   Be it known to all who bear witness, that the Chair, by virtue of the authority invested in the Executive Director of the Republican Presidential Task Force, confers this warrant of Platinum membership to:

   (my former married name here)

   A Republican Leader in the Houston community and steadfast supporter of President George W. Bush.

   Whereas, (former married name), is known to represent the highest Republican ideals and principles; we have, therefore, affixed the grand seal of the Republican Presidential Task Force and affixed our names in confirmation.

   (signed)

   Senator Elizabeth Dole
         Chair
   Mark Stephens
                      Executive Director

4/1 is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Day:


Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing,
working your last nerve with tedious and boring details
that you don't give a darn about?

Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating
MORE work for you?

Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can
look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch?

Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she
enters a room, everyone else clears it?

Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to
officially announce it as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING
CO-WORKER DAY!


These are the rules you must follow:

* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.

* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you
  again in the same day.

* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers
  take their turns slapping the irritant.

* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's
  head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.

* CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient,
  your "assault" must be followed with something like
  "cause I'm sick of your stupid-a$$ always messing up stuff!"

* If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor
  is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE!

Now, study the rules really good and break out your list of
folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and
get to slapping.....and have a great day!!

Bacardi 151
Congratulations! You're 134 proof, with specific scores in beer (100) , wine (66), and liquor (113). 

All right. No more messing around. Your knowledge of alcohol is so high that you have drinking and getting plastered down to a science. Sure, you could get wasted drinking beer, but who needs all those trips to the bathroom? You head straight for the bar and pick up that which is most efficient. 

You scored higher than 82% on proof
 
 You scored higher than 97% on beer index
 
 You scored higher than 93% on wine index
 
 You scored higher than 97% on liquor index

"I'm doing pretty good," Bush declared last week in Pennsylvania where he promoted Social Security changes. "Feeling pretty spunky."

Traditionally in Mexico, Three Kings Day was the gift-giving time, rather than Christmas day. Just as it is common for children to leave cookies for Santa in the U.S., in some regions of Mexico, it was customary for children to leave their shoes out on the night of Jan. 5, often filling them with hay for the camels, in hopes that the Three Kings would be generous. Mexican children would awake on Jan. 6 to find their shoes filled with toys and gifts. Today, many Mexican-American families concentrate their gift-giving around the Christmas holiday, but some still give gifts for both Christmas and Three Kings Day.

This twelfth night of the twelve days of Christmas is the official end of the winter holiday season and one of the traditional days for taking down the Christmas decorations.  This is also a traditional day for wassailing apple trees. In southern and western England, revelers gathered in orchards where they sang to the trees, drank to their health, poured hot cider over their roots, left cider-soaked toast in their branches for the birds and scared away evil spirits with a great shout and the firing of guns.

Planned are nine official balls, a youth concert, a parade, a fireworks display and, of course, Bush's second swearing-in ceremony at noon on Jan. 20. The cost will be between $30 million and $40 million, an amount that does not include expenses for security.

The FCC will no longer be able to baby-sit for your children, a spokesperson for the FCC said in a taped message left on Friday, because the FCC is a "little older now" and looking to do different things with their lives.

The last minute decision by the FCC has left millions of parents wondering who will be responsible for raising their children. A local man expressed the outrage surely felt by many throughout the country. "This is great, just great!" said sale rep Jack DeLante, while rifling through his rolodex looking for someone else who might be available to baby-sit last minute. "So on top of working, hanging out with my buddies, and juggling both my wife and my mistress, I now have to worry about over-seeing what my kid watches on TV? What the hell am I paying taxes for!?"

The sudden loss of the FCC as a reliable baby-sitter comes as even more of a surprise when you consider how well the government treated them, in tips, presents and other privileges. With free first class plane rides, trips to such places as New Orleans and Las Vegas, and even going so far as to let them have friends over while they were on the job, the government thought they had provided a situation where the FCC had it pretty good.

But that wasn't enough to keep one FCC commissioner sitting at home on Saturday nights. "Like, it's been really cool and all, and you guys have been great," her spokesman said, reading from a prepared statement, "but I just got a job at the Ice Cream Hut on Rt. 3, and a lot of my friends hang out there, so it's a lot more fun! And my boyfriend just got a car, so, you know, we'll probably just want to hang out and drive around or whatever."

The summer plans of the other FCC commissioners is not known, although a spokesman confirmed that one commissioner based part of his decision to quit on his desire to just "loaf around" and "find" himself. Meanwhile, concerned parents like Danny Clitstein, founder of the American Families First, are finding themselves in the difficult role of actually having to parent their children.

"I really don't know what to do," Danny told reporters, "I have relied so heavily on the FCC always being there for me, to be there for my kids, and now I guess I'll have to stay home and monitor what my own children watch, instead of spending countless hours at the AFF headquarters, shooting the shit and sending out threatening letters to advertisers." Clitstein took one last look around the office.

Meanwhile, the government has been talking to that nice girl Melissa who just moved in down the block, to see if she's interested in picking up some part-time work, or if she has any friends that might be interested.